Saturday, March 26, 2011
This is how it began in that ever so early pre-dawn morning hour of 25 March 2011… I was peacefully sleeping, in one of those deep “Rem Sleep Cycles,” when a distant muffled racket suddenly started pulling me away from my Mississippi dream… As if I were still dreaming, I hear my wife ask, “What is that NOISE,” as my senses stirred to life or was it me asking that question?!? I hit the carpeted floor on my side of the bed, barefooted, clad only in a brand new pair of Hanes boxer/briefs, appropriately named, because I had absolutely no idea of where I was going or just what I was going to encounter when I got there! What I did know was, if I had to box somebody, it would be brief. Conditioning, not cognizant thought propelled me around the end of the bed drawing me closer to my wife as she prepared to challenge the unknown disturbance in our kitchen area without me. She was standing in the doorway of our bedroom when she flipped the light switch as to discover the reason of our alarmed state of mind! In rapid succession, and before my mind totally comprehended something serious could actually be going on, I heard her exclaim, “It's the CAT! How in the world did she get into this house?” As her voice started to register in my cluttered mind, I stooped down, grabbed her hips, and peered around the left side of her body just in time to see our outside cat scurry down the hallway pursuing the protection of a darkened den. Imprinted in my head were those stupid cartoon characters we remember exiting a scene while slipping and sliding on the slick linoleum floor! I began to feel rage and “It's the CAT,” was NOT what went through my head. It was thoughts of squeezing guts out both ends --- Well, you get the picture? This was SO NOT going to be a good morning for me.
With the switch of that light, our investigation and repair as to why this occurred was defined for each of us. She patiently went down into the den to coax that stupid cat out from under the dining table or wherever, while I sought to find out how the cat got into our house in the first place! I immediately saw where the French doors from our kitchen area onto our patio was slightly ajar. Yes, the nose of a curious cat, opossum, skunk, coyote, wolf, hyena, grizzly bear, ok, are you with me here? Anything could have easily slipped in through the unsecured doors. As my wife finally acknowledges her successful capture of the stupid cat, putting her ever so gently back outside through the carport door, I close and lock the French doors and wonder why the dang thing was open in the first place! I began what old men do best and started griping about the door being left open (not even worried about locked) and before I can get started good, she reminds me, “Honey, you’re the one that let the dogs in last night, remember?” Gosh, I hate to be slapped in the face and body slammed to the ground by the truth!!! I was the one rattled out of a beautiful sleep and on top of that I’m getting more aggravated that she still calls those stupid poodles, dogs! Both of them put together, with long hair soaked in bubbles complete with an Alpo enema wouldn’t weigh 7 pounds! That’s not a dog!!! Ok, let me admit defeat here. Yes ,I opened the door last night and let them scurry in past my feet as if it was my obligation to do this. They ran real fast in tandem unison to the wash room where they sleep in their snuggly little beds all worthless as they can be. As they get to the closed door of their "sleeping spot," where they start bouncing up and down on their little hind legs and turn these sweet little pirouettes on their tiny paws as my wife “oohs and aahs” at them being so cute! I would just prefer to put both of them out of their misery! Shaking my head back to the reality of the moment, it dawns on me that almost as quickly as this 4:45 am distraction started it has resolved itself back into a manageable inconvenience and we slowly make our way back to the bedroom with everything once again secure in our world.
We somehow end up together in the bath room and being the gentleman I am, surrender the ceramic portal to her. As she completes her nature stop, she turns on the light so she can find something to take for her “headache." Was this a subtle warning, I wondered as I patiently go about my business in the appropriate room. Lights off, we head to our king size bed and pull the covers up to our necks to protect our chilled bodies from the ceiling fan that runs 24/7 at our house.
And this is when my problem actually begins… I am laying there trying to get comfortable. You know. When the chill starts to fade and the warmth of the covers begins to soothe you into the first stages of slumber? While this transition consumes you, comfortable in that perfect spot with your head comfortably placed on the pillow, your legs wrapped over a long body pillow while postured in that perfect side fetal position with your feet in just the right place?? You know, right before you pass into semi-consciousness?? But instead of drifting off, I find myself THINKING! About what has just occurred in the last 5 minutes or so. And it started running through my mind in living colors the different scenarios that we could have encountered... Oh Dear God, please let me just go to sleep. First thing crossing my mind is, “what if it had actually been an intruder?” I just rushed away from my 9mm Browning Hi-power with 13 rounds of ammunition plus one in the chamber securely placed right next to where I sleep along with two other magazines of ammunition giving me a total of 40 usable rounds of Personal Protection In The Home if ever I might need it! What was banging in my head was, it never crossed my mind to arm myself with anything until I was laying in bed trying to go back to sleep! I was once a trained law enforcement officer! I feared nothing. Not even fear itself! But was not this just me standing behind my nightgown clad wife with her between me and potential danger in nothing but my boxer/briefs? And then it only gets worse when I look over at the master clock that controls my comings and goings and realize its just beginning to push 5 am. I get up at 6 am so why in the world do I want to go back to sleep just to get angry as the master alarm would chirp to life as soon as I closed my eyes???
I know without a doubt what I would have done to pass this time just a scant 10 years ago, ok 5 maybe, as the thought of intimacy was soundly overridden. Substantiated by reasons of rational, common sense thought, influenced primarily by age, the work involved to initiate the very act that lit for a brief moment in my mind not to forget the sleep time required by my wife, I just let that dog sleep. Besides, didn’t she just take something for a headache! On to a secondary plan a little safer. Why not just get dressed and go to McDonald's for a deluxe breakfast? I expressed my thoughts to my fading wife and she reminds me that I was having blood work that morning and I was fasting, so there goes McDonald's right down the toilet drain! Now what!! My blood pressure begins to build and then I hear her ever calming voice. “Just get on the computer, Honey and see if any of your friends are there.” She could not have told me in a more civil and non threatening tone for me to, “Just shut up and let me go back to sleep!”
My computer!! Yeah… I could listen to my music and see if any of my facebook friends on the east coast or closer were yet stirring. I went to my facebook page, opened her up and posted away:
I have been awake since 4:45 am when our stupid cat broke into the house via a left open back door and awakened us playing with a dang cup on the kitchen floor. What the Heck is this racket!!! NEVER crossed my mind of getting my 9mm browning hi-power with 14 rounds of protection!! I simply 'followed' my wife to the noises!! It dawned on me when I tried to go back to sleep just how brave I really am. *deep sigh* So, I continued. Good Morning my facebook friends… Face your unknown world with bravery like I do! From behind your wife’s night gown… Worked for me… Stupid cat…
And then the fun began… Below is just the beginning of the fun my friends had with my early morning experience! It started just east of here right across the river in Mississippi… Oh yeah… My facebook buddies were up and waiting for me to lay my vulnerabilities out into their world!
Mariglen: LMAO!!!!!
Becky: Oh Peppy how brave you are!!!!LMAO!!!!!!
Doyle: Never let an opportunity to walk through your house with a 44 mag ,, slip by ..... But remember to put your pants on first. Naked man with a big gun is not a pretty sight.
North Alabama thinks it funny too!!! HaHa…
Martha: I bet you were close behind hanging onto the back of her gown...lol
Oh, and if Mississippi can’t get enough jabs in, they pile back on…
Mariglen: The visuals are killing me! Lol!!!!
Becky: I'm still laughing!!
Oh, why not my Church family as well? Why not agree with everyone and start encouraging the Mississippi crowd again!
Sherry: Behind every WONDERFUL woman is a good scared man... I agree with Mariglen, the vision that is making me laugh so hard.. Can't wait for Robert to read this... ha ha ha
Here Florida!! You may as well join the chorus, too. Politely tells me I’m losing my edge. (like I haven’t already thought that?)
Tanya: Well....I've always thought, Once a cop, always a cop. Maybe that's not true. Maybe you start trusting people again. You didn't even think it could have been a break in. Wow. After I retire from the PD I might like people again...lol
Enter yet another Louisiana reveler…
Martha: You can always say that you were guarding her backside so no one could sneak up on her!
I'm begin to think. (Again? OMG) Maybe if I make it cute, they will understand a little more…
Rod Ferguson If something had touched my backside, while I was guarding her backside, I just might have killed us both, Martha... And none of this dawned on me until I got back into bed...
Rod Ferguson I was grumbling something about killing that stupid cat and she reaches over, pats me on the head and tells me "its going to be ok?" "Just go back to sleep, Honey.
"
Maybe its working! One of my Mississippi buddies likes this!
21 minutes ago · Like Unlike
Becky: Im sorry but Im still laughing, I'm just glad it was just the cat!This just goes to show you that God takes care of us and also has a sense of humor!!!lol
Damage done, I admit defeat and I resign the rest of the day to maybe escaping without facebook back to Alaska of which I should have never left!
Rod Ferguson **what's left of my ego is rapidly deteriorating with the rest of my life**
I look down in the margin of my computer screen and see 6 messages or post or something that awaits my inquiry on facebook. I can't help but wonder if another chapter of fun is coming my way… Oh my… Should I continue??? I think not!
Posted by Rodney S. Ferguson at 8:49 AM
March 26, 2011
Mbl/Db
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