Thursday, January 26, 2012


January 9, 2012, I found myself thinking about a dear friend of mine, Kathy Roberson Hale in Monroe.  Kathy has always appreciated my sense of humor and as our friendship reconnected in the last couple of years, I just thought I would send her something I thought might be funny and help jump start her day.  Simply said she thought I was crazy and shared it with the girls in her office and they all laughed.  I shared it with another friend of mine who thought it hysterical.  Encouraged me to put some more thought into it and  post it.  A simple idiosyncrasy of mine when forced into action becomes a way of life!  Live with yourself my friends.  Change, as we are seeing is NOT worth it!  Hope you enjoy this really short story...

                       THINKING OUTSIDE OF THE BOX

I've tried it both ways. Dirty and clean. Now you are probably thinking, what the heck could he possibly be talking about now?? Stay with me and lets chase this rabbit and I will explain. I am simply thinking “outside of the box,” and the subject happens to be? Throwing up in a clean versus dirty toilet bowl! For the first couple of years of our marriage, my wife always felt somewhat sorry for me when I became ill or sick. It was during one of these tepid times she became to understand I had a weakness she could use in her favor. It became crystal clear to her that I could not put my head in a dirty, stained or simply used toilet bowl of my own bathroom unless it was cleaned!! So, when this anal retentive, seldom seen and so unlike me behavior would begin to find footing in my disturbed mind and sick body, she would simply furnish me with the tools I needed, complete with fever, sickness and all, to prepare for my “alter call.” And yes, many times I did talk to God without the presence of a noted Exorcist as these spells moved upon me! I mean, really.  Haven't we all?  The toilet bowl itself was the first focus of my attention, as I attacked with fervor the inside water filled target area as I then progressed to the outside of the bowl (for clinging purposes). As if that wasn’t enough, then the floor around it was delicately scrubbed, rubbed, sprayed and dried. Lysol then completed the prep as not only did it look clean but smelled nice enough as I was now mentally prepared to take my place alongside the only place in my house I felt comfortable [puking] at.

However, one might consider the alternative as did I, once upon a time.  Just take my misery, throw it in a dirty bowl and let her roll! One time in the last 50 years of memory did I actually experiment with this “alternative” of clean versus not clean “target areas.”  Here is what I found out… Did you know that contrary to the popular belief running through your mind that you are dying, you actually breathe through the entire process when you throw up? Consciously you don't realize you actually take a breath during this time of grotesque expulsion, but you do. Several actually, and you will only know this if you actually record the event on camera or have a witness tell you, but somewhere during this exciting period of wretched passing you realize that every smell is magnified into your automated olfactory senses which makes what is normally the end of a bad experience turn into continued dry heaves. The test to prove my theory? Simply flush the toilet and see how powerful the smell of chlorine is in the fresh water. Oh, and the flush helps the visual as both of them combined (smell and sight) stimulate dry heaves and typical knee jerk reactions may or may not be possible in the limited space you might have at your home. Trust me now, not only do you breathe, your sense of smell and visual cognizant reasoning is surprisingly keen.  So, if everything is prepared properly, the commode clean, flushed and no spots are visible, you will find as I did this is the moment of eureka for me!   It is over!  I realize I am again in control of my body and soul and I began laughing.  Hysterically!  I don't understand it now as I don't understand it when it happens but I just simply laugh myself back into as normal as normal can be defined at that moment!  My wife, somewhere in another part of the house (wouldn't you be), hears this strange turn of events and starts laughing to herself along with any kid that may have been present in the same dwelling?  She will tell you and has told me, it is the weirdest thing about a lot of weird things I do that even she finds funny...

It was during this “alternative” journey of being prepared or rather being unprepared, taught me that never again would I chose a dirty toilet over a clean, self prepared, Lysol smelling commode of my own doing. As a result of proof beyond belief, accompanied with in depth discussion(s) with and without my wife, at the sign of sickness perceived which with me is very soon to be sickness achieved, I find the tools I need for self prep conveniently placed on, or very near the object of my nearing affection by my betrothed.  A very stiff toilet brush and a corrosive, inside the bowl toilet cleaner with steel wool for those tough to manage stains we just become use to over time.  These spots have gotta go folks!  No unknown visuals can tease the peripheral during the head in the bowl experience... Also there is a couple of very old towels that seem to appear in my stack of stuff that when utilized with hot water out of the bath tub cleans up nicely around the outside of the bowl as well as under the lid! Now that’s a neat place for uric surprises might I add, under the toilet seat, especially if you have grand baby boys and no toy boats to float.  Why the devil do they have to pee "at" my commode instead of in it anyway when there are two other bathrooms in my house and a dozen pine trees just outside the door!  Anyway, after all of this is done, you simply soak everything down with Lysol and wipe it dry with the second old towel… Perfect! Oh… Don’t forget a good smaller towel that you wet down with cool water. Eventually that is the only comfort you will have as it caresses the back of your ever heated neck when you start thinking recovery is near.

Just thinking outside the box.  Amazing where my mind takes me at times...

Rod Ferguson